now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
