I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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