the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
