what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
