God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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