A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
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Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
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You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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