God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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