my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
