the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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