i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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