There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
