i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
