Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
