You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
