I met the friendliest cop last night
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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