Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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