I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
