Cold hands, warm shart.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My vagina is officially offended.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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