Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
