Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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