I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
