singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
