you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
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