I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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