Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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