I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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