thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
