I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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