last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
