Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
