Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
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So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
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Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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