You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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