You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
so much tequila, so little girl.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
