I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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