Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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