She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
