Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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