The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
