I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Randomize
