i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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