In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
