there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Your cock deserves a montage
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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