The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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