wanna go halves on a baby?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
