she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
