My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
