My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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