I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My feet surprised me
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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