adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
