there was a trapeze. enough said
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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