I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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