Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
