My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
