you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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