I'd wear matching sweaters with you
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He passed out mid-signature
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
