just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
