hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
