our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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