Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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